About 3 weeks ago I wrote on my personal blog about some events that were simmering. I’ll summarize it this way: I’m simply in awe of how fast the world can change when you let it.
I’m learning to say no. Which ironically, frees me up to say yes to the things I really want in my life. And in between running around to do work and shopping, etc., I’m feeling extraordinarily grateful for the way my life is reshaping itself.
This morning I was feeling off. The sun was disappearing into a dark gray fog, I was sitting in the Starbucks parking lot dreading our status meeting at work, and generally not feeling up to doing anything productive. I’ve mentioned an old colleague of mine before, she now writes about her journey toward becoming self-employed. She sent out an invite to view her latest lesson, so I requested the link. The first line was “So you’ve quit your day job. Now what.” I imagined what it would feel like to say that. (Hard to believe I was in that exact position about 7 months ago…and I’ve already found myself wanting to go back.) And it hit me. Every day I rack up 60 miles driving to and from a job that gives me minimal satisfaction, and very minimal pay. I put so much effort into my work some days that I come home feeling so defeated that I retreat to the couch and let myself be overcome by fatigue. It’s a lot of distance to cover, and the only reward is the occasional opportunity to shadow a couple of very talented women who I genuinely admire.
That–right there–seems to be the problem. Why am I shadowing? I know my craft. I’ll never be more prepared to practice my skills. I don’t need permission to do it. I don’t need to follow someone’s timetable. I just need to wake up and do what I love, and trust that I will track down the resources to do exactly what I need to do for as long as I wish to do it.
Maybe the realization came as a result of a small feat that I accomplished with the help of 60 or so determined women whose combined enthusiasm helped me summit not one, not two, but three mountains in a day. I’ve driven past these peaks nearly every day for months, never fully understanding their size and immeasurable beauty. After Sunday, I looked at them differently, and I saw myself differently too, for having conquered them. One doesn’t attempt an 11 and 1/2 mile hike without some preparation. I prepared. I brought supplies, dressed for wind and snow and sun and brought poles for support so I wouldn’t risk another broken ankle, and I succeeded. For once, that was enough.